Zarek the Coletti Overlord and Lexi’s uncle gives her the Coletti version of the birds and the bees talk:
“Has your father talked to you about the physical differences between a human male and a Coletti?”
“No.” Where was this going?
Uncle Zarek frowned. “Did he explain to you what happens between a male and a female?”
I stared at him in utter horror. Oh, my, God. He wasn’t going to give me the birds and the bees speech, was he? “Relax I had sex education classes in school.”
“Sex with a Coletti warrior is not the same. I need to educate you on our anatomical differences.”
God, just kill me now. “Do you hafta?”
“Yes, I hafta. Some females find our penis frightening.”
A giggle escaped me. “Seriously? Does it have teeth or something?”
“No.” Uncle Zarek rubbed a hand over his face. “Did you notice the slit in Kaelen’s abdomen?”
I nodded.
“We are a warlike race and to protect our ability to procreate, the Goddess placed our appendages in a shielded pouch inside our abdomens.”
Okay. That kinda made sense. “So, kicking a Coletti warrior in the nuts is only going to piss him off?”
“Exactly.”
What was he being so mysterious about? “Ok, what’s so scary about your man parts?”
Uncle Zarek stared at me for a long moment, and an image formed in my head.
My eyes widened in horror as a snakelike penis with a frill of tentacles around the top slid out of a stomach slit. “Tentacles? Are you freakin’ kidding me? What is it with aliens and tentacles? Ewww.”
“The tentacles increase a female’s pleasure,” Uncle Zarek replied.
The tentacles vibrated wildly like some freaky sex toy. “Oh, hell, no. That is not going inside me. Ever.”
An exasperated frown formed on Uncle Zarek face. “You do not have a choice in the matter.”
“The hell I don’t.”
“Coletti warriors are masters of seduction. Kaelen will simply overcome your reluctance.”
I crossed my arms and said sweetly, “It’s obvious you’ve never dealt with a woman suffering from PMS before. When it’s that time of the month Earth girls are fearless and capable of taking down an armed warrior without breaking a nail. We’re Attila the Hun in a dress.”
“Attila the Hun?
“A conqueror kinda like you.”
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I like the cover art. Looks great.
ReplyDeleteThis book transports you into a hilarious world of evil aliens, stupid aliens, handsome good guys and a cute as a button alien baby. It’s so much fun. I highly recommend it.
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